21 Powerful Ways To Overcome Your Perfectionism

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What is Perfectionism?

What Does It Mean To Be A Maladaptive Perfectionist?

Do You Have Perfectionism Disorder?

Where Does Perfectionism Come From?

What Are The Three Types Of Perfectionism?

Self-Oriented Perfectionism

Other-Oriented Perfectionism

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism

How To Stop Being A Perfectionist

Perfectionism has become a widespread, first-world epidemic. As the most common answer to the interview question “what is your biggest personal weakness,” thanks to its almost desirable nature, we’re not even sure anymore if being a perfectionist is a good thing or a bad thing.

But deep down, those of us with perfectionist tendencies know that the condition comes with tons of negative self-talk, feelings of inadequacy, and a near crippling fear of failure. Here’s a detailed look at perfectionism and 21 powerful ways to overcome your perfectionism.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is the unachievable drive to live life without mistakes in order to look, feel, and be “perfect.”

Perfectionism may seem like a double-edged sword. Sure, lots of perfectionists have achieved great things because of their drive to succeed and push limits. But on the other hand, because being “perfect” isn’t realistic or attainable, being a perfectionist can be painful and disappointing.

Not only does perfectionism make the process of most things feel arduous, it can also take the joy and satisfaction out of finishing tasks because we’ve rarely reached the flawless standard we’re always after.

What does it mean to be a maladaptive perfectionist?

Being a perfectionist doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In rare cases, some perfectionists are able to hold themselves to high standards without setting unrealistic goals and letting the need for perfection interfere with their ability to enjoy the process and learn from their mistakes.

When perfectionism becomes problematic for people is when one becomes a maladaptive perfectionist.

A maladaptive perfectionist suffers unhappiness, anxiety, and dissatisfaction because of their impossible standards and critical self-evaluations. At this point, regardless of the outward success someone may be having, perfectionism can interfere with their mental health and quality of life. Maladaptive perfectionists often lack self-esteem, spend a lot of time comparing themselves to others, and have a lot of negative thoughts about themselves (negative self-talk).

Do you have Perfectionism Disorder?

Perfectionism Disorder isn’t a stand-alone “disorder” recognized by the DSM-5, but it is associated with other Personality Disorders like OCD, narcissism, and other anxiety disorders.

That’s certainly not to say that if you have perfectionistic tendencies you have a Personality Disorder, you may simply have a perfectionist personality thanks to your upbringing and past experiences. Thankfully, with a little personal development, we have the ability to change our personalities and overcome perfectionism.

Some of the symptoms you may feel with “Perfectionism Disorder” include homing in on imperfections and not being able to focus on anything else, becoming fixated on a task until it is complete and “perfect,” avoiding tasks you don’t believe you’ll be able to do “perfectly,” and feeling a lack of self-esteem when you don’t perform “perfectly.”

Where does perfectionism come from?

So many of us struggle with perfectionistic tendencies, unrealistic expectations, and impossible standards. So where does perfectionism come from?

The root cause of perfectionism can vary from person to person but there are commonalities. Perfectionism generally comes from self-inflicted pressure, pressure from others, and socially prescribed pressure.

Each of these three types of perfectionism; self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially-prescribed have slightly differently root causes and ways of manifesting. Let’s take a closer look at each so you can determine which type of perfectionism you deal with and understand what it will take to overcome it.

What are the three types of perfectionism?

The tree major types of perfectionists are self-oriented perfectionists, other-oriented perfectionists, and socially prescribed perfectionists. Each type of perfectionism is similar in that it includes unrealistic expectations, fear of failure, fear of judgement, and critical self-talk. But each one has its unique characteristics as well. Read on to learn more and find out how to overcome your perfectionism.

Self-Oriented Perfectionism

Self-oriented perfectionism is a perfectionistic attitude that stems from a desire to out-do and impress yourself. Compared with the other two types of perfectionism, this type is most likely to lead to well-adapted rather than maladaptive perfectionists.

In general, self-oriented perfectionism comes from an intrinsic motivation to achieve and succeed in life. Acting from intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation is shown to be associated with perseverance, resilience, and satisfaction.

The root-cause of self-oriented perfectionism is a belief that doing things perfectly will make you feel happier, more secure, or otherwise better about yourself. The downside of self-oriented perfectionism is that it can lead to setting unrealistic goals and becoming overly self-critical in pursuit of those goals.

Other-Oriented Perfectionism

Other-oriented perfectionism is the tendency to have unrealistic expectations of and demand perfection from others. Other-oriented perfectionism is associated with lower levels of “Agreeableness” from the Big Five Personality Traits. It’s also correlated with having unfavorable views of your daily life situations.

In a way, other-oriented perfectionists seem to be “borrowing” the feelings of success and accomplishment from the people they’re pushing to be perfect. Other-oriented perfectionism is like casting an extension of the self onto those closest to you, in an attempt to feel even more in control and “perfect.”

The root cause of other-oriented perfectionism, like all perfectionism, may be the fear of judgement of others or OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) tendencies. This type of perfectionism is often played out in parent-child relationships.

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism is the core belief that you need to be flawless and conform to societal standards and expectations in order to feel “worthy.” These impossible standards often come from external factors like social media, family, and deeply ingrained societal pressures.

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism can be particularly painful because it is an external motivation to achieve. This makes it difficult to know when you’ve done “enough” and impossible to feel completely satisfied by your own achievements. This type of perfectionism may include spending a lot of time comparing yourself to others and a desperate need for validation from others which often leads to a lack of self-esteem.

It can be hard for perfectionists of this sort to find positive coping mechanisms for stress since they don’t want to appear weak in front of the people (audience) they’re looking to impress.

How to stop being a perfectionist

If you are ready to become a recovering perfectionist and overcome your perfectionism so that you can improve your mental health and well-being, you’ve come to the right place. You have a lifetime of perfectionistic thoughts behind you to overcome, so remember to be patient as you change your mindset. But as a recovering perfectionist, I know you have the perseverance to commit to the change and remain a high achiever but let go of the self-deprecation.

Here are 21 ideas to help you stop being a perfectionist.

1. Become aware of your perfectionistic tendencies

The first step to any recovery is to admit you have a problem. Generally speaking, perfectionism stems from insecurity and low self-esteem and creates a vicious cycle that re-enforces those feelings.

Start to become aware of when you feel insecure, threatened, etc. so that you can get to know your perfectionistic tendencies with a bit of new perspective.

2. Identify your triggers

Once you’ve become aware of your perfectionistic tendencies, it’s time to notice when and why that reflex is triggered in you. Are there particular people, circumstances, subjects etc. that threaten your self-worth and send you into the perfection mindset? Again, the first step to recovery is admitting and getting to know your problem. Be patient and practice self-compassion as you get to know your triggers.

3. Develop a “Growth Mindset”

Perfectionism is often a symptom of a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset tells you that you are already as good as you’ll ever be at everything you do. There is no room to fail or grow.

A growth mindset, on the other hand, says that you can always learn and improve your ability in any area. With this mindset, it starts to feel less important to be perfect at everything you do every time because you know that down the road you can improve.

(Related: 5 Fixed Mindset Pitfalls Even Growth Mindset People Fall Into)

4. Practice Positive Self-Talk

Most of us have an inner voice that doesn’t exactly provide constructive criticism. Your inner voice is likely your biggest and harshest critic. This is the voice that convinces you you need to be perfect.

In order to stop being a perfectionist, you’ll have to change your self-talk. Begin to congratulate yourself for showing up and working hard. Don’t beat yourself up for making a mistake. Listen to how your inner voice bullies you throughout your day and try to be mindful about moving towards more positive self-talk. Your self-talk will make a big difference in your mental health and perfectionistic tendencies. 

(Related: Rewire Your Brain and Change Your Negative Self-Talk (4 Simple Steps))

5. Use a mantra

Mantras can be a great tool to shift away from a perfectionist mindset. It takes time and conscious effort to change your self-talk and a positive mantra can serve as an easy replacement for negative thoughts.

One example of a helpful mantra for overcoming perfectionism is: I am proud of who I am becoming, even with my imperfections.

6. Set realistic goals

Part of the vicious cycle of being a perfectionist is feeling like you need to continually out-perform your previous accomplishments. Because of this, it’s very hard for perfectionists to feel a sense of pride and accomplishment at the end of a task.

To overcome perfectionism, be realistic about your goals. Set goals that require a reasonable amount of effort and that you have enough time to complete so you don’t have to break your back every step of the way to get there.

(Related: How To Set And Accomplish Big, Powerful Goals)

7. Think about your “Why”

Another important consideration for setting goals is to think about “why” you want to reach that goal in the first place. Try not to set goals for the sake of impressing others or trying to prove to yourself that you’re “enough.”

Good goals are things that you feel will add value to your life in their achievement. You’re obviously a high achiever. Will you feel proud, secure, independent etc. from achieving the goal? Thinking about “why” you want to achieve something can help you decide if it’s worth the effort and gives you strong intrinsic motivation to persevere in pursuit of it.

(Related: What’s Your “Why”? How to Craft a Strong Personal Why Statement (with examples))

8. Develop your self-esteem

If, in considering “why” you want to reach some of your goals, you discover it’s for the sake of gaining acceptance, validation etc. from others, it might be a good time to consider your own self-worth and self-esteem.

Try not to let your self-esteem hang on the opinions of others. If you haven’t developed a strong sense of self within your own heart, it is easier to get swept up in trying to find that validation from others.

Make time to do things that make you feel proud and confident. Get to know yourself and challenge yourself to grow and evolve.

9. Stay off social media

Social media is one of the worst things that’s ever happened to our collective self-esteem—it has a massive negative impact on mental health across the board.

Try to avoid “doom scrolling” and comparing yourself to the curated reality you see on your feed. It’s much easier to feel you need to be “perfect” when you feel you’re in competition with thousands of other people who are also doing their best to appear perfect. Social media has provided a literal endless supply of visuals that make us feel inferior and incompetent – try not to get sucked into it.

10. Stop comparing yourself to others

Have you ever heard the phrase “comparison is the thief of joy”? Social media is just one of the places we tend to compare ourselves. Most of us feel envy or jealousy towards people almost every day – the way they look, the things they have, the way they’re perceived.

It can be hard to stop comparing yourself to other high achievers but as soon as you do, you’ll feel some of the pressure to be perfect slip off your shoulders. No one is perfect if you look close enough – and that’s what makes us each special.

11. Stop procrastinating

Procrastination and perfectionism are inextricably linked. If you suffer from perfectionism disorder, it’s very likely that the pressure of trying to achieve your impossible standards occasionally paralyzes you and leads to putting off what you need to do.

This feeling of “stuck-ness” is one of the most uncomfortable symptoms of perfectionism. Procrastination is an easy rut to fall into as a perfectionist but it’s also a dangerous one that can have massive negative impacts on your mental health.

Check out this article learn to overcome fear of failure and stop procrastinating.

12. Don’t mistake “Busy” for “Productive”

Again, many perfectionists are also procrastinators. And how do we procrastinate? Often when we’re procrastinating we’re still doing things – they’re just not the high-ticket things we should be doing.

Be honest with yourself about what absolutely needs to get done and what is a valuable use of your time. Don’t get bogged down in the minutia of a task. In other words, don’t lose the forest for the trees. Be productive – not just busy.

13. Schedule in breaks and rest times

Being a perfectionist can be absolutely exhausting. As a recovering perfectionist, you’ll have to get used to the idea of taking better care of yourself and caring about how you feel.

When we don’t schedule in breaks and rest times, our bodies’ eventually schedule them in for us. These unplanned setbacks can lead to feeling like you’re “getting behind” and then having to double down on your efforts to produce and achieve.

Schedule in breaks and rest times so that you can be your most productive and positive self when it’s time to work.

14. Learn to enjoy the process

If you want to stop being a perfectionist, you’ll have to learn to stop obsessing over the end-result so much that you never slow down and enjoy the process.

At the end of your life you won’t look back and count your accomplishments – you’ll reflect on what your life felt like. Try to be aware of how you feel throughout the process of a task and make sure you’re enjoying yourself. Bonus: it’s been proven that when you enjoy what you’re doing you produce better work.

15. Practice Mindfulness (present moment awareness)

In line with learning to enjoy the process of your work is learning to practice mindfulness and enjoy the present moment.

As simple as it seems, mindfulness is actually a skill that needs to be developed and practiced. Learning to practice present moment awareness can help curb the obsession over the end-result that comes from perfectionism and ease the anxiety that comes along with that obsession.

(Related: How Living In the Moment Affects Your Mental Health and How to Be More Present)

16. Stop people-pleasing

Many people who suffer from perfectionism disorder are people pleasers. One of the extrinsic motivators for socially prescribed perfectionism is the desire to be well-liked by others. Because of this, it’s easy to get swept up in saying “yes” to anything that’s asked of you in order to maintain your image and likability.

Practice saying “no” and stop people-pleasing so that you can recover the energy it takes to impress others for your own personal use.

17. Prioritize self-care

Again, perfectionism can be the result of low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth. As you increase your self-worth, it will naturally become easier to stop being such a perfectionist.

Self-care can help you to ground yourself, maintain good mental health, and remember the ways in which you’re unique and worthy. Prioritize self-care to help yourself stop being such a perfectionist.

18. Stop holding others to your same standard

When you hold others to the same impossibly high standards that you hold yourself to, you’re just perpetuating the belief that in order to be worthy you need to be perfect. It might be easier to reflect on how this attitude affects others before you’re ready to reflect on how it affects you.

Try to allow yourself and others to make mistakes. Stop holding others to your same standard and notice that they are still complete, successful, and worthy people.

19. Consider the worst-case scenario

This may seem like contrary advice compared to all of the “positive thinking” tips that have come before, but hear me out.

Sometimes, without realizing it, we let the prospect of doing well on a task feel like it is literally a life or death situation. The fear of failing can feel physically painful. In reality, almost nothing we do will be a life or death situation.

Take a moment to consider the real consequences of what will happen if you don’t complete a task (or just don’t complete it perfectly). Most likely, although the consequences might be painful, they’re surmountable. Remind yourself that you don’t need to be perfect to survive.

20. Celebrate your wins

Overcoming perfectionism is all about changing your mindset. The perfectionist mindset comes with a whole host of negative beliefs and self-doubt. In order to stop having perfectionist thoughts, you’ll have to train your brain to think more positively and kindly about you.

One way to train your brain to think differently is to make time to celebrate your wins. You don’t have to wait until you’re “perfect” to celebrate yourself – especially since that will never happen.  You are worth being celebrated — but you’ll have to be the one to convince yourself of that.

21. Set better boundaries

Whether you’re a self-oriented, other-oriented, or socially prescribed perfectionist, you need to work on your boundaries. Our value and worth as human beings does not come from our productivity. It can be hard to remember this if you don’t have clear boundaries with yourself and others about how much time and effort you’re willing to put into a project. Be clear with yourself about what you are and aren’t willing to give up in pursuit of success and then stick to that decision no matter what.

Final Thoughts

Even though perfectionism is sometimes regarded as a double-edge sword, it’s important to remember that it’s possible to be wildly successful and happy without being a perfectionist. Even Steve Jobs concedes that failure has been integral to his success. If you’re a recovering perfectionist, stick with it and overcome your perfectionism. On the other side you of your perfectionist mindset you can find higher self-esteem, more joy, and high achievement.