How to Change Your Negative Self-Talk

It used to be that if you admitted to having voices in your head, you were labeled “crazy.” Now, it’s widely recognized that we all have a voice in our head that plays many different characters. This voice is responsible for what is known in psychology as “self-talk.”

Let’s take a deeper look at this inner dialogue, positive and negative self-talk examples, and how to change negative self-talk into positive self-talk.

Jump to:

• What is self-talk?
• Types of self-talk
• What is positive self-talk?
• Positive self-talk examples
• What is negative self-talk?
• Negative self-talk examples
• Why do we have negative self-talk?
• What is an inner monologue? Is it the same as self-talk?
• Why does my brain never stop thinking?
• How is your self-talk affecting your life?
• How to change negative self-talk

WHAT IS SELF-TALK?

Self-talk is your inner voice that responds to everything you do with automatic thoughts and commentary. This voice is programmed by our subconscious mind and beliefs that we have about ourselves, the way the world works, the way we’re supposed to do things, etc. 

We all have a constant stream of thought about everything from the day’s weather to how we felt when someone said something three years ago.

Self-talk is specifically the character in your head whose role is to tell you how it thinks you measure up in every moment. Notice I didn’t say that it tells you how you’re actually doing—self-talk isn’t an objective opinion. 

Types of self-talk

Self-talk can be both positive and negative.

Unfortunately, for many of us, the negative self-talk outweighs the positive. This negative thought pattern can lead to distressed mental well-being, intrusive thoughts, and low self-esteem. These negative effects are why it’s so important to learn to change negative self-talk. Let’s take a closer look at the two types of self-talk and examples of negative and positive self-talk.

WHAT IS POSITIVE SELF-TALK?

Positive self-talk is encouraging and positive feedback provided by your inner voice. 

This voice notices when good things happen, offers words of encouragement, reminds you to focus on the present moment, points out silver linings, etc. This type of self-talk sounds like, “I’m proud of you,” “Wow, great try!” etc. Positive self-talk focuses on the good things that happen and has positive things to say in response. Even in stressful situations or objectively negative experiences, we can call on our positive self-talk for encouragement, willpower, and inner strength. 

You may be thinking, “When do I have thoughts like that?” The answer is: probably not very often. (Spoiler alert: You can change that!)

Even though many of us are excellent at seeing the best in other people and we truly mean the nice things we say to loved ones when they’re feeling down, we tend to be our own worst critics. Oftentimes, our subconscious minds are programmed with a very critical voice and our positive self-talk is pushed aside or forgotten.

However, positive self-talk plays a huge role in maintaining a positive outlook, good mental health, and confidence. In fact, self-talk is becoming a widely studied topic in the field of sports psychology for exactly that reason. It’s obviously has important effects to change negative self-talk.

Positive Self-Talk Examples

• I look good/fit/healthy/put-together
• I’m proud of myself for trying
• I have people who love me for who I am
• Everyone is going to be impressed/thankful/happy about this thing I’m doing
• I have something awesome to contribute to this conversation
• I deserve this/to be here/to be loved/nice things
• I’m awesome/unique/smart/good enough/just right/perfect/attractive
• I’m doing a great job
• I’m getting better at this

WHAT IS NEGATIVE SELF-TALK?

Negative self-talk comes from the inner critic in your mind. This voice tends to harp on negative things: when you make mistakes, the worst-case scenario, anxious thoughts, critical thoughts, etc. 

Negative self-talk can be any negative statements that are specifically about you. Negative self talk examples include: “you’re so stupid,” “why did you do that?” “you’ll never be able to pull this off,” etc. Your critical inner voice and recurrent negative beliefs are parts of your negative self-talk.

Before we become aware of it, most of us don’t realize how much negative self-talk dominates positive self-talk in our daily lives. After a lifetime of leaving negative self-talk unchecked, it often becomes extremely loud, overpowering, and constant. You’ve likely gotten so used to this negative chatter that its judgmental perspective feels like reality to you. That is not the case.

Negative self-talk is a reflection of all the unrealistic expectations, traumas, relationships, opinions of others, societal boxes, and contradictory information you’ve endured in your lifetime. The negative people, harsh family members, etc. that we look up to as children have a huge impact on our internal dialogue as adults. 

Negative Self-Talk Examples

• I look ugly/fat/stupid/gross
• I shouldn’t even bother
• No one cares what I do
• No one likes me
• Everyone is going to think I look stupid/like a poser/out of place
• I’m the dumbest/ugliest/least interesting/poorest person in the room
• I don’t deserve this/to be here/to be loved/to have nice things
• Everyone can see right through me
• I’m disgusting/lazy/stupid/not good enough/too loud/too quiet/too poor

Why do we have negative self-talk?

Negative self-talk is a survival mechanism we’ve developed over thousands of years to ensure that we fit in with the “in-group.”

Back in the days of living in small clans in extreme conditions, if you weren’t accepted by the group, you would probably die. Literally. Thus, our brains treat being socially accepted as a literal life-or-death situation.

Everybody experiences self-talk and it’s completely normal to discover that you have more negative self-talk than you expected. The adaptation of the human brain to try to fit in no matter what is exactly why our self-talk can be so harsh. It’s trying to remember everything anyone’s ever wanted us to be, and bully us into becoming that.

The problem is, we don’t live in small groups anymore with only a few other people to get along with. The number of people you interact with and compare yourself to every day is enormous. And your brain is not equipped to get along with or impress the modern social circle. And neither are you! In this day and age, it’s totally safe to change negative self-talk into positive self-talk.

The good news is, over time, you can re-wire your brain and change your inner voice to become a more positive, optimistic, mentally healthy person.

WHAT IS AN INNER MONOLOGUE? IS IT THE SAME AS SELF-TALK?

An inner monologue is a long continuous stream of thought that is playing out a scenario or explaining something in detail.

It’s possible that inner monologues are part of your self-talk if these tangents are specifically expressing an opinion about yourself. However, an inner monologue doesn’t necessarily have to be self-talk and self-talk doesn’t necessarily have to be expressed as an inner monologue.

WHY DOES MY BRAIN NEVER STOP THINKING?

Although it can feel annoying that we can’t “shut off” our brains, your brain is evolutionarily designed this way to keep you safe.

Historically, it was very important that human brains stay “on” in the background of whatever someone was doing to make sure there was no threat approaching. Imagine, for example, that you were focused on weaving a basket, but there was a tiger lurking nearby. In that situation, you would be grateful that a piece of your brain was on alert and was able to loop you into the potential danger by making the hairs prick up on the back of your neck or giving you some other somatic clue.

It’s okay and completely normal that your brain never stops thinking. However, in today’s reality, it’s also okay to train your brain to relax sometimes and stop approaching everything with a fight-or-flight mindset. That’s why learning to control your self-talk and change your negative self-talk is more important now than ever.

HOW IS YOUR SELF-TALK AFFECTING YOUR LIFE?

Negative self-talk has the potential to affect our physical health, our mental health, and our overall well-being. 

Now that we know that negative self-talk is no longer serving its original purpose of keeping us safe from literal exile and death, let’s look at how your self-talk is affecting your life.

Negative self-talk is linked to a higher risk of mental health problems, increased stress, perfectionism, and limited thinking. Chronic stress, which can be brought on and exacerbated by negative thinking, is known to be linked to health issues like cardiovascular and respiratory problems. On the flip side, positive self-talk is directly related to better health, better relationships, more success, and even a longer lifespan.

HOW TO CHANGE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK

The good news is that it is completely possible to rewire your brain and change your self-talk. With daily practice, you can become your own best friend and banish cruel, negative thoughts forever. 

In order to build a bridge from your current mindset to a more positive one, you have to start from where you are. You’ll have to notice your current self-talk, consider what positive feedback sounds like, stop your negative thoughts before they spiral, progressively make your self-talk more positive, and pat yourself on the back along the way. 

Let’s look at each step to changing your self-talk in more depth.

1. Notice your current self-talk patterns

Before you can change your self-talk, the first step is to become aware of what your self-talk currently sounds like.

Start to notice what your self-talk sounds like throughout the day: when you’re doing hard things, when you’re doing mundane things, when you’re feeling particularly insecure or outside your comfort zone, etc. 

The goal right now is not to judge yourself or try to intervene, just to notice and listen so that you can become more and more aware of those thoughts as time goes on.

A great way to keep track of your thought patterns is to keep a journal. Every night, you can take a few minutes to remember the negative emotions you noticed throughout the day and what thoughts come up for you around those emotions. Also, try to notice if you experience and positive self-talk and write down when those thoughts come up for you. 

2. Consider how you communicate with loved ones

The way that you speak to the people you love most in your life is a good example of what positive self-talk should sound like.

How would you comfort, console, encourage, and protect the people closest to you?  Make a list of the things you would say to a best friend or family member when they’re feeling down, discouraged, worthless, etc. The helpful advice and kind words you offer these people is exactly how your self-talk can sound when you learn to respond to things in a more positive way.

As you are completing step 1, and noticing what your current self-talk sounds like, you can also begin to think about what positive self-talk could sound like when you’re ready to intervene.

​3. Stop negative thoughts in their tracks

You have the power to stop thoughts when you notice them and choose another thought instead. 

Once you’ve become familiar with what your negative self-talk sounds like, you’re ready to learn to STOP those negative thoughts in their tracks When you notice that your inner voice is being critical, you can say in your mind or out loud, “STOP,” to remind yourself to take a beat and choose more positive thoughts instead. It takes practice to gain control over your thoughts like this since your brain is accustomed to running wild without your intervention. So be patient as you begin improving your cognitive bad habits.

4. Negative to Neutral to Positive

Don’t try to use phony positive affirmations that you don’t really believe in place of negative self-talk. 

You are smart. If you try to replace the negative self-talk you’ve been saying to yourself for years with positive affirmations that feel untrue, your subconscious mind is not going to believe it.

While positive affirmations certainly have a place in self-development, we have to use them carefully and strategically.

Rather than trying to change your recurring thought of “I’m worthless” to “I’m perfect,” try finding a new thought that is closer to where you want to get but that still feels true. Perhaps, “I’m proud of myself for trying,” or “I’m getting better every day.” 

As you begin to notice your self-talk more and more over time, it will become easier l to replace each thought with the new one you’ve prescribed for yourself. After a while, the new thought will become automatic. Then you can push your replacement thought a bit further because it will feel more true.

In other words, after you have STOPPED your negative self-talk in its tracks, replace that thought with something neutral. Then, when practicing that neutral thought becomes your new habit, you can push it further to become truly positive self-talk – even a positive affirmation.

5. Use positive self-talk to acknowledge the progress you’re making

Since making big mindset shifts takes time, it’s important to acknowledge the progress you’re making along the way.

You won’t rewire your brain and change all of your thought processes overnight. It takes time! Make sure that you pat yourself on the back for the work you’re doing and the progress you’re making. This, in and of itself, is a form of positive self-talk. 

To stay on track long-term and truly change negative self-talk to positive self-talk, you’ll have to become your own biggest cheerleader. One of the easiest additions of positive self-talk you can add to your routine is acknowledging the work you’re doing…around self-talk. Become a good friend to yourself and be proud of the positive changes you’re making to your well-being.

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