The Truth Behind Confidence (And How To Be More Confident)

Self-confidence can be an elusive friend. Some days we wake up and have it in spades thanks to our jeans wiggling on a little quicker than normal. Other days (*most days for a lot of us) we just have to fake it ‘til we make it. So what causes high self-confidence? (TLDR: it comes from self-development)

High self-confidence comes from feeling like you can trust yourself and therefore feeling in control of your life.

WHy are Some People So Confident?

Some people (annoyingly) seem like they have all the self-confidence in the world. What do they know that we don’t know? Were they just born more confident? Are they better at faking it? Or do they know something we don’t know?

Spoiler Alert: Most of those people are just good actors.

Most people who seem to radiate confidence and self-esteem have just gotten good at covering up their insecurities with socially acceptable displays of “confidence.”

The Two Types of Self-Confidence

The “I Hope They Don’t See Right Through Me” Type of Confidence

The most common type of “self-confidence” you’ll see in the wild is the “I Hope They Don’t See Through Me” type. This is the type “self-confidence” that comes off in such a loud and boisterous way that it comes off as bragging, arrogant, or belittling.

This over-the-top display is what we usually think of as self-confidence because it’s the more common type and it’s hard to miss.

In reality, the I Hope They Don’t See Through Me “self-confidence” is just a thin, but very firmly attached mask. Most people with this kind of confidence haven’t done the self-development work necessary to develop real confidence.

Confidence and Insecurity: Two sides of the same coin

In general, the people who are flaunting their “self-confidence” in your face, are using that façade to cover up their own insecurities. Insecurities run really deep, and humans are often willing to go to extreme measures to hide them.

This is important to understand if you are hoping to improve your confidence. Whatever your own insecurities are that you feel are holding you back from blossoming into the beautiful flower you’re meant to be, every single person you meet has their own equally looming insecurities. Even the people who come off as the most confidence–in fact, especially them.

Insecurity is one of the most basic human emotions—it just also happens to be something we don’t talk about because pride is another common one.

The “Mr. Miyagi” Type of Confidence

So, am I saying that it’s impossible to have genuine confidence and you should just give up? Absolutely not. The other type, the earned confidence that isn’t loud or boastful, is just harder to come by. And much more worthy of being cultivated. It’s earned through reflection, vulnerability, and personal development.

The second type of self-confidence, real self-confidence, I like to call, the “Mr. Miyagi” type. (No one can argue that guy doesn’t have self-confidence, right?!)

Have you ever met someone whose presence just feels so genuine and grounding that you love to be around them and listen to every word they have to say?

Think of someone who makes you feel seen and heard when you speak. They are present and engaged and able to hold space for you to be yourself. This is the mark of true self-confidence.

Like I said, it’s rare. I can only think of about four people in my entire life that have had this air about them and a handful of others that have been in the ballpark.  

So What causes real self-confidence?

Truly confident people earned their self-confidence by getting to know and trust themselves. Genuine self-confidence comes from feeling secure in who you are.

We’ve all heard it a million and one times: “Just be yourself! You’re amazing just the way you are!” Blah blah. But it’s hard, because “who you are,” is pretty malleable depending on where you’re at in life and who you’re around in the moment etc.

So you want to know the secret to actually getting to know yourself and learning to be totally secure in who you are?

That answer is…discipline. (For a step-by-step guide to cultivate discipline: check out this article.)

Discipline shows you who you are and Leads To self-Confidence

Discipline is one of the key ingredients in personal development and leads to self-confidence because it teaches you that you are in control of your own choices and therefore your life.

And when you’re in charge, it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing or what they think—you understand that it has no bearing over your life.

Channeling Your Insecurity To Turn It Into Real Confidence

The opposite of self-confidence is insecurity.

Think about that word… in-secure. Not secure. In other words, not safe, out of control. Anxiety and depression are both manifestations of feeling extremely “out of control.”

If insecurity is the opposite of self-confidence, then self-confidence can be thought of as “security”–feeling in control. Security and control are two byproducts of practicing discipline and learning to trust yourself.

Showing up for yourself is the only way to prove to yourself that you can in fact show up for yourself.

Here are the three steps you need to become a truly, deeply confident person.

The three steps to building Confidence

1. Become A More Disciplined Person and Learn to Trust Yourself

In order to build your self-confidence, you first need to build your discipline. This means learning to trust yourself and being consistent in doing that you say you’re going to do.

Insecurity is a product of fear. The only way to overcome fear is to feel like you are strong, capable, powerful, and in control.

There are 6 steps to building discipline. To learn more about those steps, click here.

2. Show Up In a Way You’re Proud Of

Once you’ve become a more disciplined person, you can begin to show up in the world in a way that you’re proud of.

You have no reason to feel insecure because you can trust yourself to handle anything that’s thrown your way.

Not to mention, when you are truly committed to working on yourself, you are no longer comparing yourself to other–it’s you against you, always.

3. Do Hard Things And Become The Best Version Of Yourself

One of the fastest ways to find out who you are and to expand your self-confidence is to do more hard things. Try new things, say yes to things you would normally pass on, don’t be afraid to be a beginner. Every single time that you try something hard, you learn something. Learning more about yourself and expanding your definition of yourself allows you to become closer and closer to the person you really want to be. This is where real personal development happens.

Try new things and allow yourself to grow. Every time you do something hard on purpose, you make the next hard thing less scary for yourself.

Be prepared for anything life can throw at you and show up confidently by pushing yourself outside your comfort zone often.

How do I get started?!

This may sound cliche but the best way to get started is just to start! Like any self-improvement journey, it will get easier and more natural with time.

You have EVERYTHING you need to be successful inside of you. If you need some help getting over the hump of feeling too lazy for real change, start with this article.

The sooner you start, the sooner you can start feeling like a million bucks and stop having to worry about feeling insecure.

BONUS! Download this free E-Book for 3 Secrets to Building Confidence.